THE McNICHOLAS RAP

Here’s a little thing I’ve been putting together. My late, lamented friend and colleague was one for the pithy phrase. It may be "too soon' but this thing I'm working on is inspired by him. If anyone who knew or worked with him wants to suggest some extra verses, or if a musician can put it together in an Ian Dury, eighties techno-beat groovy kind of a way, that would be lovely, too (although I'm now getting a funky big band jazz beat when I read these to myself)…

Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm something of a "sort of" poet, but I think I'm beginning to suspect that there once was a true poet amongst us, although he might not have even recognised it himself...

It'd bring tears to a glass eye...

THE McNICHOLAS RAP

There are no pockets in shrouds

There are no pockets in shrouds

Now I’ve got my own cloud

There are no pockets in shrouds

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

What time do you call this?

What time do you call this?

Is he taking the piss?

What time do you call this?

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

Shit the bed, Lloydy?

Shit the bed, Lloydy?

You’re in bloody early

Shit the bed, Lloydy?

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

It’s a Kevin Parrott Job

It’s a Kevin Parrott job

What a flippin’ knob

It’s a Kevin Parrott job

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

Anyone got any mark-ups?

Anyone got any mark-ups?

It’s just a storm in a D-Cup

Anyone got any mark-ups?

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

He’s as useful as a chocolate fireguard

He’s as useful as a chocolate fireguard

Though I hold him in highest regard

He’s as useful as a chocolate fireguard

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

I like my coffee like my women

I like my coffee like my women

I’ll have one if you’re going

I like my coffee like my women

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

Don't take any wooden nickels

Don't take any wooden nickels

They’ll get you in a pickle

Don't take any wooden nickels

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

There are no pockets in shrouds

There are no pockets in shrouds

Now I’ve got my own cloud

There’s still no pockets in shrouds

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

Some new verses courtesy of Alan and the two Andy's…

If brains were gunpowder

If brains were gunpowder

You’d not have enough to blow your hat asunder

If brains were gunpowder

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

If your Aunt had bollocks

If your Aunt had bollocks

She’d be your Uncle

If your Aunt had bollocks

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

Bullshit baffles brains

Bullshit baffles brains

Where’s that Tony Payne?

Bullshit baffles brains

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

He’s talking through the hole in his arse

He’s talking through the hole in his arse

This thing’s a total farce

He’s talking through the hole in his arse

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

Give him enough ammo

Give him enough ammo

And he’ll shoot himself

If you give him enough ammo

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

Spectacles, Testicles

Spectacles, Testicles

Wallet and watch

Spectacles, Testicles

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

I’m a bloody mushroom

I’m a bloody mushroom

Kept in the dark and fed shit

I’m a bloody mushroom

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

He’s taking you for a mug

He’s taking you for a mug

Is that a syrup or a rug?

He’s taking you for a mug

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

He must think I’m wet

He must think I’m wet

Behind the flippin’ ears

He must think I’m wet

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

I don’t trust that stupid get

I don’t trust that stupid get

He’s too hearty a fellow well met

I don’t trust that stupid get

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

If you believe that

If you believe that

You’ll believe anything

If you believe that

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

Yeah, and if your Aunt had bollocks she’d be your uncle…

More verses...

It'd bring tears to a glass eye

It'd bring tears to a glass eye

Always better to laugh than cry

It'd bring tears to a glass eye

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

It's not a meal without spuds
It's not a meal without spuds

Finish that and you'll get your puds

It's not a meal without spuds

Patience is a virtue

Seldom found in a man…

(ALL) “…and never in a woman”

FOR MARK

I had a yen to write a poem for a friend
Who passed away just before Christmas Day
But I lost my nerve because I didn’t deserve
To be called a pal when I didn’t know he was ill

But then you hear a friend has died

You lose touch, life goes on, you move away
You don’t exchange a word in years
But time rolls back and memories stir
Forgotten moments are suddenly near

When you hear a friend has died

Exchanging banter becoming friends
We sat in an office for several years
A hundred million years ago
So why’s it reducing me to tears

When you’re told a friend has died

The first time that we met
On interview day I was still a brat
But for many years afterwards
He called me “The Prat in the Hat”

Messenger pings - a friend has died

That was twenty-eight years ago
A heartbeat – the blink of an eye
Lives pass by before you know
The privilege was to know this guy

You learn this when a friend has died

Every day in his suit and his tie
With his many little sayings
From days when such things
Weren't politically incorrect

Fond memories when a friend has died

There are no pockets in shrouds
You’re in early, shit the bed Lloydy?
Patience is a virtue, seldom found in man
And never in a woman

Gain new meaning when a friend has died

It’s twenty eight years since our meeting
Just before his big birthday caused jokes
Back then forty seemed so very old
Now it seems such a long time ago

You see how time passes when a friend has died

In those far gone days he smoked for Britain
“Jurassic Mark” seemed a man out of time
Yet he was always so proud of his children
And worked for CAFOD in his spare time

You remember such things when a friend has died

He would enjoy a Clint Eastwood movie
And liked to make fun of his best mates
There were rumours he knew Paula Wilcox
I think they went out on a couple of dates

Fragments of life matter when a friend has died

He seemed to always love my drawings
Turned out he kept them in darkened drawers
The last time we met was a party
Where my pictures they plastered the walls

Small kindnesses recalled when a friend has died

When he decided it was time to go
He chose the longest night of the year
Last working day before Christmas
I get a message to dampen good cheer

It’s never a good time when a friend has died

I never hear from anyone now
Unless someone I once knew has died
Once again I didn't even know he was ill
Somehow in my head friends still abide

So it’s such a shock when a friend has died

My indestructible friend has died
A light like the last gasper burned out
He’d think writing this poem was stupid
With fond memories from the prat in the hat

You do these things when a friend has died

Mark McNicolas, friend and former colleague died December 21st 2016

CITIZEN HAIKU

CITIZEN HAIKU

As a citizen

Ends justifying the means

It does concern me

As a citizen

Anti-liberalism

It does concern me

As a citizen

The scream of “Bring Back Hanging!”

It does concern me

As a citizen

Sound-bites making policy

It does concern me

As a citizen

Dislike for intelligence

It does concern me

As a citizen

Fearing a stranger’s anger

It does concern me

As a citizen

People reaching for their knives

It does concern me

As a citizen

Reacting with hate not love

It does concern me

As a citizen

Not walking in other’s shoes

It does concern me

As a citizen

A lack of understanding

It does concern me

As a citizen

Wanting my quiet life back

It does concern me

Martin A W Holmes, December 2016

STEAM TRAIN

STEAM TRAIN
A short poem about online banking

Garage bill
Phone bill
Credit card bill

All flow out
Inside 5 minutes
From my account

As the cash
Briefly pauses
Passing through

I wave like
Jenny Agutter
At a steam train

Martin A W Holmes, Dec 2016

MEDICATION VARIATION

MEDICATION VARIATION

Morning comes

Dawn arrives

Another night

I have survived

Up - as ever -

With the Lark

Head downstairs

In the dark

Click the kettle

Brew my tea

Take the pills

Prescribed to me

Take a pill!

Take a pill!

Keep B.P. down

With Ramipril

Pop the plastic

Tip one out

Morning routine’s

What it’s all about

Let another

Day begin

Open the mouth

Pop it in

Take the pill!

Fight your fate!

With Bisoprolol

Fumarate

Sticks in throat

Makes me frown

Swig my tea

Gulp it down

Like a Science-

Fiction snack

Pop another

From its pack

Take this pill!

You’ll feel fine!

Much calmer now

On Amlopidine

Drop it in to

A small bowl

Shove it down

My cake-hole

All these pills

Such a drag

Last one’s tiny

Makes me gag

Take the pill!

As prescribed

Ben-dro-flum-e-

thiazide

Night-time comes

Much later on

The day is done

Another gone

One last pill

To end the day

Keeping Mister

Death at bay

Take the pill!

Shove it in!

End your day

With Simvastatin

Every day

I medicate

With Bisoprolol

Fumarate

Keeps me alive

Can’t be denied

Ben-dro-flum-e-

thiazide

Ramipril

Amlopidine

Not forgetting

The Simvastatin

Never forgetting

The Simvastatin

Martin A W Holmes, Dec 2016

THE NEXT THING

THE NEXT THING

Enforced working from home

This month’s salary to be spent

On a new clutch

All festive plans on hold

Until I can get the car back

But the mechanics are ill

And now the new neighbours

Have got the builders in

Which is peaceful

Should I just have the

Total nervous collapse now

Or wait for the next thing?

There's jaunty whistling now, between the drilling...

(I'm not particularly fond of jaunty whistling...)

‪"While we're at it, you're going to need an entire new exhaust system..."‬
‪Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha‬...!

AN EVENING AT SPRING BANK ARTS

AN EVENING AT SPRING BANK ARTS

There were words and music and glee and delight

At Spring Bank Arts centre on a Friday night

With Luke Carver Goss and the Bard of Barnsley

That's Ian McMillan between you and me

On a dark December evening, we ventured out

To finally see Mister M about that have no doubt

I've followed his feed on Twitter for quite some time

To get to see him in person was an idea quite sublime

I’ve read about these gigs - they always sound such fun

Could not imagine that I would ever get to actually see one

No one who would get me out ever comes round here

Looking at the listings that Bard never comes that near

Hold on, though - on his website - what is this I see…?

There’s an event in December just up the road from me

Emails were exchanged and precious tickets were reserved

Would the universe intervene in a manner quite absurd?

Arriving bang on seven, my soggy rain-soaked cap

Was admired in the doorway by a white haired chap

Though it’s that sort of season, this was not some festive elf

I was rather surprised to see that it was the Bard himself

We settled in our seats and bought some glasses of wine

Not yet quite sure how this night would fill our time

The whole thing was a joy; we shouldn’t have had doubts

Because that boy McMillan is an enthusiasm powerhouse

There are comic introductions and introductions introduce

Mesmeric haunting tunes only an accordion can produce

Tales of signs and Barnsley folk; songs of drinks machines

A beautiful song about work’s end made folk quite serene

The whole room finds it’s singing about that mystery door

Now the whole world knows where the coffee float is stored

We’ve all learned it’s an ambry, not a cupboard, or a niche

But it’s not the sort of place you’d want to store your quiche

In the interval I’m outed as a loyal Twitter follower

And getting that signed book’s a bargain for a fiver

Some people say that it’s better not to meet admired folk

But Ian and Luke do seem to be a lovely pair of blokes

The second half then starts off just as delightfully mad

There’s a beautiful performance of that poem about his dad

Boiled eggs and science clubs then contribute, as they might

To some astonishing Improv based on Saturday night fights

The night came to a close with a song about Trainspotting

It’s a catchy little number and got the whole room singing

An evening too soon over, I’m still glad I shook Ian’s hand

We headed out into the night thinking “Ee, that were grand!”

Martin A W Holmes, Dec 2016