Monday 29 June 2015

BLOOD AND SAND


The raging, furious sun
Bears silent, unblinking witness
To the madness of the butcher’s block
On the blood-drenched beaches
Where relaxed, calm
Happy-go-lucky strangers
Are ripped open by the madness
Of the boy with the gun

Blood and sand,
Sand and blood ---
What’s the bloody point?
When our bad is your good?

What he thought he’d done
What did he think he’d gain?
Taking everything they ever were
And what they might have been
Aiming steel, shooting lead
At soft targets, happy souls
Put in endless rivers of pain
Played out under blazing sun

Blood and sand,
Sand and blood ---
What’s the bloody point?
What goes on inside that hood?

Echoing reminders
Of other blood-stained sands
Where blades of misery
Have taken heads and hearts -
The rage and fury of misdirected youth
Promises of some golden dawn
Bringing a new world of pain
And nowhere near yet done

Blood and sand,
Sand and blood ---
What’s the bloody point?
We’ll stop you and we should

Is this the price we pay
For blood spilt on desert sands
With the smart bombs and the drones
And our own boys with their guns?
The slaughter of more innocents
In schools and hospital beds
Is always too high a price to pay
But don’t tell me we thought we’d won

Blood and sand,
Sand and blood ---
Who the bloody hell
Knows the bad from the good?

We just can’t understand
How other lives can mean so little
Wiping out what’s different
For having a different point of view -
Filling minds with gilded dreams of fitting in
In places where the strangeness is not you
Covering the sands and beaches
With still more boys and yet more guns

Blood and sand,
Sand and blood ---
What’s the bloody point
Of an endless sea of blood?

Martin A W Holmes, June 2015

PATRICK AND CHRISTOPHER



Macnee and Chris Lee
Acting friends since forever
Both taken in June

Sunday 28 June 2015

WATCHING TELLY

It was another Saturday yesterday and, like several of them, at least some of the day was spent catching up with the highlights of the week's TV that we'd recorded to watch at a more conducive time.

Most telly just washes over me these days, and I'm rarely drawn to what other people see as "Trendy Telly" any more, not least because I really don't want to commit myself into yet another number of endless hours watching yet another flippin' series simply because that's what everyone else is doing.

Most of them I find too annoying anyway, or too depressing, or they just don't interest me because I feel that I may have reached the sort of age where you either feel as if you've seen it all before, and most of its childish inanity isn't really aimed at someone like me anyway.

Still, occasionally a moment in front of the old Gogglebox can surprise me, as when I found myself really inpressed by a small moment in a flashback interview scene in the TV series "Person of Interest" which we've been following on Channel 5 (if you want to know where we're up to and how not to spoil the rest of it for us...)

TV lighting doesn't normally catch my eye, but this "skull effect" was really impressive I thought. It's from series three, episode ten, entitled "The Devil's Share" which was directed by Chris Fisher and it was just a rather wonderful idea and very well executed, if you'll pardon the in-joke.

It's even more effective if you squint...

Anyway, it's not often that I feel the need to freeze-frame my recording and share a TV moment with the world at large, and yet it happened again a couple of hours later when we were watching the "Imagine" documentary about the architect Frank Gehry.

I just had to stop, rewind, and grab this frame because it was just such a superbly and beautifully framed shot...

.

BOILER ON THE BEACH


A gigantic wheel of steel, sitting on the shore,
As waves are lapping, a boy stands staring,
Made tiny by the vast bulk of its rusting hulk,
And sailing ships blow by, shunning and mocking
This engineering of their own demise,
This once mighty beating heart of a broken,
Forgotten long-lost battleship
And my boy grandfather
Taking pictures of ghostly shadows
So many years ago

How on earth did it get there, and where on earth is there?
It can’t have just floated in on the tide
The hundred-ton flotsam of some naval skirmish
From those bloody brutal maritimes
Did it merely roll there? Running away -
The last remains of a once-proud hulk stripped
To bare bones and less all around it
And my boy grandfather
Taking pictures of ghostly shadows
So very long ago

I can see that it’s a ship’s boiler, I know this from my books
Ghosts of other tragic steamers, born in a golden age
I can picture a teenager standing wet-footed
A box brownie held to his weak eyes
Capturing a moment, creating a mystery
A fleeting image of a tale it cannot tell
Where was he, and when, and what?
Just my boy grandfather
Taking pictures of ghostly shadows
A hundred years ago

Martin A W Holmes, June 2015

HEADHAIKU

The words just won't come -
Too headachy for poems -
Bloody sinuses!

Saturday 27 June 2015

GRANDAD'S PHOTOGRAPHS 1919


Sometimes life can take you in peculiar directions. Last weekend I was having an exchange of views online, and the words moved, as they sometimes do, into the world of  “compare and contrast” and we were discussing how our parents and grandparents used to dress when compared to the modern phenomenon of (shudder!) going outside to the shops (or whatever) in their flippin’ pyjamas.

So far, so “old man’s prejudices” but it reminded me of a photograph that I was sure I’d seen as we went through my mother’s photographs in the period after her death, which was of a group of Edwardian looking ladies standing on the seafront on a summer’s day in hats and furs.

Long story trimmed, I turned the house upside-down and never found that particular snapshot, got very fretful and obsessive about “another thing lost”, and even rang my sister to ask if she’d got it amongst the bits and bobs she had salvaged, before deciding that this might be a misplaced memory of some other photograph that I saw at around the same time, but which wasn’t a “family snapshot”.

What I did find, however, were two exercise books that, a long time ago, had belonged to my grandfather when he was a teenager. This was in 1919 when he was a young fellow from that lucky generation who were just ever so slightly too young for the carnage of  the first world war.

In 1919 he was about fifteen and had an interest in “Amateur Photography” which was what he painted onto the cover of one of the books which, as we’ll see, was one of the few moments of “useful labelling” that he took the time to do.

Turning the pages, with the photos carefully mounted into the cuts in the pages, I was transported to a lost world of his other interests, most of which seemed to be industrial or mechanical, and he did seem to have developed an interest in motorcycles at a very early age, and I do (vaguely) remember family tales of him taking two days to drive to Cornwall in a motorbike and sidecar (in those “pre-motorway” days) shortly after his marriage

One thing that interested me was the what would is nowadays called a “selfie” that he took, presumably with his Box Brownie in the darkness of whatever room he had when he was growing up. It just goes to show, I suppose, that there’s nothing new under the sun, and, for as long as we have had photography, the photographers have been turning the cameras on themselves.

One of the problems I have had with my grandfather’s photographs is that there are very few labels on any of them. For years I have had his boxes of old slides (mostly taken during the 1950s and 1960s) stashed away and every time I decide to have a look at them, I am stymied by the fact that many of his holiday pictures are indexed simply by the name of the cruise ship they were on and nothing else in a kind of  “I know where they were taken, why should anyone else need to know?” way. There are boxes and boxes of pictures of interesting looking places and I have very few clues as to where any of them are, apart from the odd sign saying “Aeroport Nice” or wherever.

This is also true of the several books of pictures of family and friends, none of which I know, and who smile their long-dead smiles out at me in a series of enigmatic mysteries.

To be fair, when it comes to labelling, I tend to do this myself, which means that I have folder after folder of digital pictures marked “California 2012” or whatever, which wouldn’t be of much use to anyone who came to look through them in the unlikely event of me ever managing to become interesting enough for someone to care about doing so.

But those old exercise books contain their own mysteries from nearly a century ago, and I’d love to have asked him what was going on in several of the photographs, but, of course, I never even knew that these exercise books existed until long after he had died, because he never mentioned them.

Well, not to me, at least.

So I find myself wondering why a ship’s boiler might be sitting on a beach looking for all the world as if it has washed up onto the shore, which is, of course, most unlikely, even after the torrid maritimes of the First World War.

The boiler itself (with presumably a schoolfriend standing next to it for “scale”) looks very like the ones in my books about the “Titanic” so I’m pretty sure that it’s a steamship boiler, and, after posting it online, it was suggested that there used to be ship-breakers on the Mersey back then, so I suppose that it had something to do with that, as the only other “coastal” place that he might have had easy access to would, I presume, have been the Isle of Man, which he visited several times judging by the plethora of pictures of the “TT” races that he took.

There are a lot of pictures of old motorbikes, of course, but other mechanical things drew his attention, as they do me whenever there’s something “interesting” to photograph and I clamber all around it like David Bailey photographing a supermodel in order to create several hundred parts of the dullest photographic record ever known to  humanity.

Mind you a schoolboy - presumably a friend of his - sitting on a tank, or a cannon and a mine aren't necessarily things that we might see every day...

The odd thing is, of course, that the thing that interests us is how different the world was then, but what seems “old” to us was just commonplace and everyday then, and so those pictures of railway trains and aeroplanes were just ordinary things then that the passage of time has managed to make more fascinating.

One other mystery is the presence of several snapshots of what looks like a house collapse drawing a crowd. What they did for entertainment back in those “pre-television” times, eh? It looks as if they were building some kind of gasometer around (???) a couple of houses and a steel girder fell onto one of the houses.

Well, maybe. I didn’t realise that the two photos were connected at first, so I thought that the “boxy” shape sticking out of the roof might be part of an early aircraft because he had “form” with photographing disasters if the box of slides marked “Stockport Air Crash 1967” is anything to go by.

Anyway, I’m now pretty convinced that it’s the end of a box steel girder, but I still find myself wondering why you would build a gasometer before demolishing the houses, why it drew such a crowd, and whether there are any local news stories about it, wherever it was.

One photograph was labelled as being of “standing traffic” during a rail strike in 1919, which I thought was a tanker wagon, but it turned out, courtesy of the knowledgeable folk on the internet, to be another boiler, which led them to ask me whether my grandfather had some kind of obsession with boilers, and it was only then that the gears in my mind clicked into place and I realised that he did, indeed, spend his entire working life as a plumber.

This particular boiler was made, it turned out, by a rather famous boilermakers in Dukinfield, “Daniel Adamson & Co” which, because of the fickle nature of the universe, is pretty close to where I earn my own paltry crusts nowadays.

Funny how the world turns, isn’t it?

MUNDANEKU

Heart is still beating -
Survived another night then.
Ought to get up now

Forest fruits yoghurt
Zero percent purple goo
To greet the morning

Zero fat yoghurt
A Bowl of Fruit'n'Fibre -
Breakfast at fifty

At home all alone -
Heating a frozen curry
Meet a train later

Martin A W Holmes, May-June 2015

Friday 26 June 2015

NORTHERN POWERHAIKU

Northern Powerhouse - Grounded by the short-sighted - But there's still bright sparks.

Martin A W Holmes, June 2015

Monday 22 June 2015

SKYKU

My morning commute
Now has breathing space in it
To stop and to think

A moment to pause
Think about the day to come –
Reflect upon life

On most clear mornings
I park the car and take some
Pictures of the sky

Roadside observer
Waving a cameraphone –
Capturing glory

Random cloud sculptures
Ever-changing miracles
Over the valley

A second short pause
Catches clouds and the city
Stretching out below

I will stop once more
As I’m heading home again
Looking back and up

Such stimulation
Adds such quality to life -
Makes it worth living.

Martin A W Holmes, June 2015

Saturday 20 June 2015

ONE OCTOBER MONDAY, 2013



Tick tock, twelve o’clock…

A ’phone call at the office; it’s the hospital (of course) -
Wanting to know when I would be available “to converse”
“So… When do you want me there?” I pathetically enquire
“Now, preferably” comes a scarily emphatic reply
Packing up my workspace, I leave without really knowing,
Yet inwardly dreading, what the afternoon might bring

Tick tock, one o’clock…

After battling through traffic and struggling to find a spot,
Taking deep breaths and digging deep for courage I’ve not got,
Trying to find any of so many desperate procrastinations,
Hoping against hope to shirk off this sense of awful realisation,
Sudden vital text messages to send, parking fees, those mundane chores
Anything to delay the need to be heading through those doors.

Tick tock, two o’clock…

Listening to the constant background hiss of an oxygen mask
I’m standing in a doorway looking at mum’s bed, too scared to ask
Suddenly, before I can, I'm whisked off to the “Relatives’ Room”
And a doctor whispers about symptoms and “pathways” through the gloom
Their concern seems to be of making mum “as comfortable as possible”
And asking “someone”, i.e. me (!) to make “that” dreadful call.

Tick tock, three o’clock…

A telephone provides a vital link to the world beyond this bubble
As I can still type words that said out loud cause me to struggle
When I try cough out these shards, my voice just cracks, and I start to cry
Yet still my Beloved’s come to hold my hand, and my sister’s on her way,
Sometimes we’re “sent away” to pace and wait in these “sitting” rooms,
And different heads seek other families for whom darkness also looms.

Tick tock, four o’clock...

Watching the deepest of sleeps and the shallowest of breaths
We sit at mum’s bedside just to “be there” if she awakes
Cups of tea and sandwiches measure a mother’s final day
In this way an afternoon and a lifetime simply slips away
The end of life is ticked down in plastic cups and stirring sticks
She’s held on tight ’til five o’clock, but we’re not sure she’ll manage six.

Tick tock, five o’clock...

The Church Minister arrives pulling up another bedside chair
We leave them alone for their one-sided chat and silent prayers
Afterwards, he talks to us sharing some fond memories that shine
Asks about my sister traveling, wondering if there’ll be enough time
He seems drained from having seen far too much of this lately
More members of his aging congregation to see when he goes away

Tick tock, six o’clock…

Shifts have changed, new nurses come to turn my mother over
Her breathing seems to get far worse, one rasp and then another
Her eyes snap open briefly but I don't think she really sees me
But perhaps she did in which case I was the last thing she got to see
She settles down, her breathing thin, the last few grains of life’s sand
There’s nothing else that I can do but sit and hold her hand

Tick tock, stop the clock…

I’m talking nonsense sitting next to her when my mother seems to… stop
No fanfares, no choirs of angels, life to death in just one small step
I find a nurse who sadly agrees and starts an all-too-familiar process
I kiss mum’s head, and say goodbye, give her hair a last caress
Now one of many faded blooms in hospital rooms a-plenty
My sister’s still on the motorway, time of death six-twenty.

Martin A W Holmes, June 2015

Friday 19 June 2015

FOUR THURSDAYS IN 1985

On the first Thursday (and why was it always a Thursday?)
I pointed my old blue car towards the Art School
On a day like any other.
"You've got a message" someone said
"Taped up outside the office door"
The lined paper told me to ring home immediately,
And so...
With an aching heart, I did.
And it turned nothing was wrong
And so I chatted to my dad.

On the second Thursday (and it was still a Thursday)
I drove my old blue car towards the Art School
On a day like any other.
Life went on as normal
We signed in and went for coffee
And toasted sandwiches at Brown's cafe,
Meanwhile...
My dad sat at home.
Writing his weekly letter to me, and
That weekend I had a last chat to my dad.

On the third Thursday (a terrible, dreadful Thursday)
After parking my old blue car behind the art school
On a day like many others.
"You've got a message" someone said
"Not this again" I replied, crossly… and
The lined paper told me to ring home immediately,
And so...
I stormed into the office.
Demanding explanations
And they told me about my dad.

On that same Thursday (a long and tortuous Thursday)
I pointed my old blue car towards my home
On a day like no other.
"You need to come home" my sister had said
Despite my mother telling her to lie
Because she was worried about me driving
And so...
With the October sun setting to my left
I drove home in a fretful state
To hear about what happened to my dad.

On the fourth Thursday (because it had to be a Thursday)
I pointed my old blue car back towards college
On the day I left my mother.
Alone, two days after the cremation
After a week I remember little about
Apart from one or two bizarrely amusing moments
And so...
I returned to my new old life
And found, in the post-room pigeon hole,
A last letter from my dad.

Martin A W Holmes, June 2015

Saturday 13 June 2015

VERBIDACIOUS


I’ve started listening to a show about words
It’s called “The Verb” on Radio Three
I rarely listen to it “live”
’cos it’s on too late for me.

I’ve set the Digital Recorder
On “series link” so I can get it
Although it seems more often than not
I’ll forget that I have set it.

Usually I’ll sit down at my desk
Sometime the following week
And when work becomes too vexing
Some distraction I will seek.

Then I’ll kick up the computer’s
Link to the world wide web
And pop in my pair of headphones
So I can listen to that instead.

But this Saturday I woke up
And thought about what to do
Then remembered that recording
Might provide something that’s new.

“The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock”
Was the topic for this week
But my copy had some Bruckner
At the start bringing thoughts quite bleak.

It wasn’t the music’s fault I know,
That the concert over-ran…
But my listening became tense by wondering
Would it cut off Ian McMillan?

A forty-five minute programme
Missing five right off the start
The counter counted down and down ---
Be still my worrying heart.

Then, of course, it happened
In the middle of some speech
About a fruit-based metaphor
And cut them off mid-peach.

I leapt upon the website
To hear five minutes more
But their version had a similar curse
Although it had a minute more*.

But then I tried the podcast
Wondering if it would have the end
And because it contained the whole show
That podcast is now my friend.

Martin A W Holmes, June 2015

*Alternatively: "Although it had only lost four."

Friday 12 June 2015

POETRY POEM

I never really “got” poetry -
Strange Mister Watson; Nice Mister Watson.
Had us read “Cristabel” and “The Deserted Village”
For “O” Level English Lit.
But whilst I understood enough
To pass with flying colours,
I never knew what their real meanings were.

I still avoided poetry –
Avant-garde authors; Pretentious writers.
Would sometimes put appropriate extracts
In amongst the prose
Of the schlocky thrillers I read
And all those other “trendy” books,
But I’d always skip past those bits.

One of my best friends liked poetry –
Tragic Laura; Sad, mad Laura.
She asked me to type out “Snow Joke”
(By Simon Armitage) on my computer
For her to stick on a kitchen cupboard door
But I added my own italics and emphasis in bold
So she made me type it out again.

We went to a night of performance poetry –
Laura and me, Alison and Sarah P.
In the “Frog and Bucket” pub
Before they knocked it down.
Someone read one about social workers,
Then had a row with a heckler over it,
But surprisingly I found this amazing and exciting.

The writer’s group talked about poetry –
Sensible Martin; Well-read Martin
Tried to get us to analyse the whys
Of the words used by William Blake.
But I got irritated and became annoying
Because I didn’t understand the need to,
And the group split up soon afterwards.

My dear old mum wrote poetry –
Literary Kathy; Late, lamented Kathy.
She’d enter them in competitions,
Which she quite often “won” (!)
Although I always suspected
That they gave these awards to everyone
Who entered, so that they’d buy the books.

I didn’t read mum’s poetry -
Hopeful parent; Disappointed mother.
I thought that it was too flowery,
Too sentimental; Far too twee.
But the minister wanted stuff to say at her funeral,
So we lent him the books
And he read her words out.

These days I try to write poetry –
Talentless Martin; Self-conscious Martin.
Occasional posts on the five-year blog
Would slide into hopeless doggerel
Which I was usually quite ashamed of.
Yet now I exchange poetic banter online
Whilst becoming inspired and starting to “get” poetry.


Martin A W Holmes, June 2015

(Stanzas about John Begley and Dylan Thomas wisely avoided)

Wednesday 3 June 2015

PORRIDGE

It's just one of those mornings where the air is like porridge, and not the hot, sweet kind, either. No, I’m referring to the cold, thick, grey kind of morning where everything feels like it’s going to be far too much bother, and the sense of fatigue feels almost enough to suffocate you.

Hmm…

Sometimes I think that I pile into these metaphors and not one person is going to understand the faintest part of it, but that’s how it goes when you’re sitting in the still centre that’s in the middle of your own particular hurricane of misery and you think that nobody else “gets” it.

Which, of course, they don’t.

After all, whilst it’s true that everyone else gets a bit down from time-to-time, none of us feel it in quite the same way, and whilst each of us suffers our own little difficulties and torments, we’re all very well aware that all of them pale into insignificance in relation to massive earthquakes, or ferries sinking fully-laden, or just dying alone in your own study a month after the most public of  rejections.

But inside this tiny, pointless head of mine (for I am not a conehead…), things, as they say, have been rather a struggle of late, and the constant sense of bitterness and despair is not helped by an overwhelming feeling of fatigue that seems to be with me all of the time.

I don’t know whether it’s the horrible realization that I’m getting older, or the loneliness of coming to terms with the fact that I lack any true friendships, or just the nagging, constant pain of this flippin’ shoulder, or maybe just the sense of tiredness that comes from achieving nothing at all evening after evening, and weekend after weekend, despite having “much to do” as they say, and constantly feeling like the “odd one out” in my professional environment.

Sometimes I can be quite “pally”, although this is usually only with the newsagent or the person taking the money at the petrol station. The rest of the time I tend towards the surly, because, perhaps, it’s easier to be cheery and full of outgoing jollity when you don’t really know the people that you’re chatting to and, more importantly, they don’t know you.

The level of expectation is reduced.

The amount of interest that you need to feign is smaller.

There have been small disappointments lately, and most of them have been of my own making. I have failed to do things, and failed to be places, and, oh, just failed to engage with so many people and places that you wouldn’t believe.

Sometimes my mind goes wild with possibilities, options, and, worst of all, blind (and stupid!) hopes, but then the crashing, crushing reality of day-to-day life creeps back in and the cold, grey porridge of life has to be faced again and dived – or at least lowered slowly and ever so carefully descended - into.

So, when the a summer’s day dawns and the air is thick with curtains of rain, and the sky is as grey as a bowl of yesterday’s unsweetened porridge, setting concrete-like at the side of the sink where you’ve neglected once again to scrape it out, it’s hard to get the spirits up.

Once upon a time, these words were going to be a poem, or, at least, the doggerel I churn out that pretends to be poetic, but somehow the creative spark that required got turned into this self-indulgent fug instead.

Feel free, however, to split the lines up into suitable stanzas, or set it to a merry little tune. Who knows, maybe we’ll end up with a “hit” on our hands.

But I doubt it, he muttered darkly, descending once more into the pit of obscurity and irrelevance.